Written on Death Note Pages
by ShiningSugar14
Summary: Previously, The Difference Between Nyao and Near. A series of Death Note oneshots. Various pairings. Mostly humor.
1. The Difference Between Nyao and Near

OMG! JUST HAD THIS IDEA!!!!

* * *

The Difference Between Nyao and Near

No one knew just how the cat had gotten into the orphanage. All they knew was that it was black, fuzzy and was referred to only as, "Cat," "The Cat," or "MELLO, GET THE DAMN CAT OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!!" But one day it wandered into forbidden territory... Near's playroom... while Near was doing puzzles. L and Mello went to look for it.

"Caaaaaat!" Mello looked into the bedroom.

"Caaaaaat-san!" L checked a closet.

From a distance, very faintly, Mello's ears picked up something that sounded a lot like, "Nyao."

Mello looked out from under the bed. "L-sempai... you heard that?"

"Yes, where did that come from though?" L set down a pair pink bunny slippers that he strongly suspected were Watari's.

"Errrrr... Down the hall." They walked down the hallway, following the steady mewing. Eventually, the geniuses came across Near's playroom. The place was a motely but pretty mess, finished puzzles strewn all over the floor. In the center of them sat Near and the cat with several puzzle boxes stacked.

"Okay," Near muttered. "Try this one."

The cat shifted some pieces around, pawing the ones that needed to be turned over for it. Within five minutes, the puzzle had been solved. Near sat in shock. "That damn thing took me a month."

A slow grin came across L's face. "Mello-san... do you still own your video camera?"

A similar expression came across Mello's face. "Yep." Mello silently ran down the hallway, stopping only to overturn a vase of fake flowers. He found his camera and returned to L, who had his thumb in his mouth. "What'd I miss?"

"Near-san is getting either ecstatic or crazed."

"Epic."

Near dumped out this last puzzle. "Fine! This is the last one I have!" He dumped it and, as L had seen the cat solved it just as easily. It began to play with Near's tresses. Near's mouth twitched upwards. L made a mental bet with himself as to how long he would last. 5 seconds.

4...

3...

2...

1...

"You are so cute!" Near grabbed the black creature and hugged it to his chest.

"Mello-san... Are you getting all this?"

"You bet." Into the camera mic, he whispered, "We are now observing the Nearus Amatefelis; The rarest breed of Near. He... WUVS HIS WITTLE KITTY VERY MUCH!!!"

"MELLO!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!?"

L and Mello approached the dinner table with several dozen puzzle pieces in embarassing places and mussed hair. Near insisted on keeping the cat in his lap and continiously petted it. No one commented. At all.

The End


	2. Shopping

Shopping

As it is known, L very rarely left his hotel. L is secretive and depends on Watari to do the risky things. When Watari falls ill, L is told that he must risk his life for essential things. Like shopping. Which is where is was right at that moment. Shopping and having a nothing fight with a famous model.

"Misa-san, what would you like to eat?" A very polite question, L thought. One that could come up in any given conversation. L was, apparently, very VERY wrong. Misa, who had been pushing the cart, suddently twitched.

"You are BEYOND insensitive, Ryuzaki!!!" She screeched. "You KNOW that I'm on a diet and I can't eat ANYTHING!!!"

"Misa-san, I am not trying to engorge you. If you don't eat, then you can't think. Plain and simple."

"I can so think!! Ask me a question!"

"WILL ONE OF YOU JUST PUSH THE DAMN CART!?!?!"

L looked over to see an enraged Yagami Light. "Oh, certainly, Yagami-kun." L took control of the cart while Misa steamed behind him. "Yagami-kun, what would you like to eat?"

"Uh..."

As he hesitated, he could ALMOST hear a voice screaming, "APPLES!!! GET ME APPLES!!!"

'Whoa... deja vu, much"  
The message stuck. "Apples. I'm having a craving for apples."

L stumbled over his untied sneakers. "A-apples? Are you certain?"

"Yes. Is that okay, Ryuzaki?"

"Oh, certainly." L tossed a bag of apples into the cart. "You're up to 20 percent though."

"For liking apples?"

"Yes."

"O... Kay..."


	3. Withdrawls

**Withdrawls**

_"Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drive-thru? Helloooooo?"_

_"... Chicken tenders... Sweet sauce all over my body..."- Immortal Comedy Genius, Dane Cook_

* * *

Light was doing some research when L walked into the room. No, that is not accurate, Light realized. L, more or less, bellycrawled into the room. His eyes looked more opaque and blank than usual. Something's wrong with him, Light realized. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Light realized he was acting like it was a sick puppy rather than a sick co-worker.

'Well, it's L, so it's the same thing, really.'

"Ryuzaki, are you alright?"

L turned to Light and crawled up onto the couch before collapsing into Light's lap and began muttering.

"Hmmnnnmmm... ocolate... hmhm astries... and the chocolate... and the chocolate..." L latched onto Light's waist, now yelling, "AND THE CHOCOLATE!!!"

Light looked confused for about five seconds. "Ryuzaki... are you trying to molest me or something? Ryuzaki?"

L stared up at Light. "Ice cream..."

"..."

"Chocolate sauce all over my body..."

"MISA, GIVE L BACK HIS STUFF!!! HE'S CREEPING ME OUT!!!"


	4. Christmas Presents

Christmas Gifts

It was Christmas morning and Misa Amane was the first one awake. Her eyes opened and she grinned gleefully. Without bothering to change out of her pink skull pajamas or even brush her hair, she ran into the bedroom that L and Light shared. Both of them were sleeping for the first time in a week.

Misa silently debated with herself over waking Light. On one hand, Light had been working feverishly on the Kira case and hadn't slept for an entire week. On the other hand, it was Christmas. She mentally weighed importance of the two. Sleep... Christmas... Sleep... Christmas... Sleep...

The model took a flying leap onto Light's slumbering form, jolting him awake as she landed somewhere in his abdomen. "GAH! Wha- MISA!"

"Good morning, Light, my love!"

"Nnnnnmmmmnnn..." Light was not a morning person by any means whatsoever.

"Good morning, Misa-san. Merry Christmas." L, who had been awakened in the commotion, was a morning person to the point at which it was disgusting.

"Merry Christmas, Ryuzaki!"

Light was just barely dragging himself away from the warm comfy bedsheets when Matsuda opened the door. "Morning, everyone! Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas, Matsu!"

"Good morning, Matsuda-san. Merry Christmas." L rolled in the direction of the chain and stood up on what was Light's back.

"Nnnnmuuuuurrrr..."

L looked downwards. "Oh, Merry Christmas, Light-kun."

"Ehhhhhhhhnnnnnn..."

* * *

After an hour of waiting for Light to wake up ("Loblod p'essure..." were his semi-coherent words.) everyone on the investigation team was seated in the main room. Light still looked fairly dazed but was capable of coherent speech and independent movement.

"Misa-Misa wants to give Light her present now!" Matsuda, who had gone with Misa to get her Christmas shopping done, burst into hysterical giggles upon hearing this. Soichiro elbowed him but the man wouldn't stop giggling.

"Go on, Misa-san," L muttered from behind his coffee cup.

Misa stood up shyly in front of everyone and unbuttoned her blouse to reveal two new piercings. L choaked on his coffee, Soichiro and Mogi nearly had heart attacks, Matsuda broke down into hysterics again and Light was quite awake.

"Light-kun..."

"Yes?"

"Misa-san has pierced her..."

"I know."

There was a pause as Misa rebuttoned her shirt.

"Do you like them, Light?"

"Uhhhhhhh..."

L whispered from behind a piece of cake. "Just say yes."

"Y-Yes?"

"Yay!" Misa glomped onto Light's arm affectionatly. Light reached over Misa's back and passed a parcel to L.

"Merry Christmas, Ryuzaki."

"Thank you, Light-kun. I have something for you as well." L handed Light a package.

They both unwrapped their presents, L finishing first. They were socks with patterns of cupcakes on them. "Wow... uhm... Light-kun... This is... simultainously the best and worst gift I've ever receieved. Thank you."

_'Note to self: Light-kun's percentage of becoming Kira are to be multiplied by 1/4 of the number of total cupcakes on these socks.'_

"Thanks to you too, Ryuzaki," Light said, holding up a container of metal shiner. Attached to the bottle was a sticky note that read, "For your side of the handcuffs."

"That's a gag gift, Light-kun. I really got you a book on sociopaths."

"Oh..."


	5. Tadaima I'm Home

Tadaima

How strange it felt to be saying, "I'm home," when one lived in an orphanage. Yet there he was, L, coming back to Wammy's House from a two year study in Guatemala, taking off his shoes and calling into the sunlit entryway, "I'm home." He was 19 years old but whenever he crossed the threshold into the dormitories, he always felt as if he were about 5. And of course, someone always was there to see him.

"Hey! L's back!" 9 year old Mello tackled the backs of L's legs, rendering him immobile.

"L's here!?" Matt followed suit, jumping onto L's back, glomping him.

'Too much weight... unbalanced...'

"Welcome back," A 7 year old Near said, hugging L from the side.

Thud! The weight of three different orphans on his legs was too much for L and he fell deftly to the polished floor. From there, he was swarmed by the rest of Wammy's House's residents, about 40 or so more. L received hugs and squeezes and questions as to his well-being for the next 20 minutes until most of them got bored and wandered off. Only Mello, Matt and Near remained.

They incessently chattered all through the afternoon, all through their homework, all through their dinner and all the way until bedtime. L made himself quite comfy on the typical brass beds with flannel sheets. Mello and Matt each took a leg and Near settled himself on L's stomach as they continued on.

Eventually, they wanted stories from Guatemala. Well, Near wanted stories from Guatemala. Mello was just tired of talking.

So L told them about the serial murderers that had formed their organization, how he had discovered it and the bullet shots that came through when they figured it out. Mello was the first to crash, hugging to L's leg and snoring. Matt fell next, cuddling between Mello's back and L's thigh. Near, who stayed up until the conclusion, nodded, said, "That was a good story. Good night," and fell against L's chest.

Welcome home can come from a lot of people and mean a lot of things. It could be from an overly-cheerful mother welcoming her son from school. It could be from a company president as a prelude to asking for news from a branch company. It could even be from two elderly parents greeting their all-grown-up child back to its hometown. Rarely, though, had L ever considered that it could come from a series of geniuses who were like his brothers to welcome him back to an orphanage.

"Good to be back," L whispered to the candle-lit mess that was Near's hair.


	6. Pwnage

Pwnage

"Hey, Ryuk... What would happen if, for the cause of death, I wrote 'pwned'?"

"... Raito, you spend too much time on 7chan."

"Hey, Misa. What would happen if, for the cause of death, I wrote 'pwned'?"

"Raito, do you need to lie down?"

"Teru, the next time you do the deaths, write at least one as 'pwned.'"

"Yes, God."

The next day, a man written in the Death Note was found in front of his computer, dead. The records from his chat room showed that he had just been "pwned".

* * *

Oy... I need to sleep. T.T 


	7. Sentient

I have no excuse for leaving this for so long. Really, I apologize. I also apologize for the sci-fi twist, but this was too crack to resist.

* * *

**Sentient**

"Misa-san, would you make me some chocolate milk, please?"

"Get it yourself," the model huffed.

"Why can't you get it?"

"Because chocolate and milk are both really fattening and I don't want anything to do with either of them. I'm not your maid!"

Sighing, L got up out of his chair and wheeled Light into the kitchen with him. He found the chocolate powder and the milk and then got a slightly evil idea.

Light awoke to a shriek. Either Misa's or Matsuda's, judging by the pitch of it. Close too, if his bleeding ears were any indication. Light opened his eyes and, yep, there was Misa, staring at something on the counter. Counter? When did he get to the kitchen? Sure enough, there was his chair, in the middle of the kitchen.

"Uhm... Misa?"

Misa's fear-filled eyes locked onto Light and she ran to him, jumping into his lap and sending the chair careening across the kitchen. Light heard a faint, "Oof!" noise to his left, indicating that L had fallen when Misa tackled him. "Misa, what's going on?"

"R-R-R-Ryuz-z-z-zaki... He... It..."

"That was very rude, Misa-san," L said, standing up and tugging Light's chair, therefore Light, back in his direction. "I was trying to feed my pet."

"What pet?"

"That _thing!_" Misa shrieked again, pointing at the counter. On the counter was a glass and in the glass was... Dear God, what exactly was that?

"Ryuzaki... Dear God, what exactly is that?"

"I don't know," L confessed, picking up his Nesquick powder and the tablespoon next to it. "All I know is that it's sentient, sedentary and rather fond of cocoa powder." As L spooned another tablespoon into the glass, something brown and gooey reached out and caressed the spoon. Light gagged.

"How did it come to be?"

"I don't know. One minute, I'm making my chocolate milk because Misa-san refused to and the next, I'm feeding this delightful little creature. I wonder, Light-kun, if it will take my finger." L extended a boney digit to the lifeform. A small… tentacle, as it were… reached up out of the glass and wrapped around L's finger. The detective gasped. "Miraculous."

"Misa… Lets leave… Now!" Steering a stricken Misa out of the room, Light turned back only to see L feed the damn thing another spoonful.


End file.
